Discipline with love, not anger

The Battle Within

Discipline has been one of the most humbling aspects of fatherhood for me. As a Reformed Christian, I’m acutely aware of the sinfulness of my own heart, even in moments when I’m supposed to be leading my children. There have been times when my correction came more from frustration than faithfulness. Times when the noise, the disobedience, or the chaos of three small kids wore down my patience until what came out was not shepherding—but sharpness.

But God, in His grace, doesn’t leave us in our brokenness. He uses fatherhood as a forge. Every moment of correction is not only shaping my children but also sanctifying me.

Biblical Foundation: Discipline as an Act of Love

Reformed theology teaches us that discipline is not opposed to grace; it flows from it. Hebrews 12:5-11 reminds us that the Lord disciplines those He loves, and if we are without discipline, we are not truly His sons. This is not punitive wrath, it is fatherly correction for our good, to share in His holiness.

Likewise, Proverbs 13:24 doesn’t advocate harshness: "He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him promptly." The rod here is not a tool of anger, it is a symbol of covenantal love and instruction. Just as God’s discipline is restorative and redemptive, so too must ours be.

Real-Life Example: Where I Failed and What I Learned

I’ve yelled when I should have knelt to pray. I’ve reacted when I should have responded. One particular moment sticks out, my oldest had disobeyed repeatedly, and in my frustration, I raised my voice more than I raised my prayers. Her face didn’t reflect conviction, it showed fear. I realized then that I was trying to control, not disciple. That was the Spirit’s rebuke to me.

Since then, I’ve begun stepping away, pausing, and praying before I discipline. I try to get to my child’s eye level, not tower above. I want my discipline to resemble the gospel, not law without grace.

Practical Applications: How I'm Working on It

• Pause and Pray: Before acting, I ask God for wisdom, calm, and clarity. Even a short breath and a prayerful pause can redirect my response.

• Eye-Level Conversations: Getting low, using gentle tone, and clear language helps my children feel safe even when being corrected.

• Consistent Expectations: My wife and I strive to be unified in our approach, same rules, same consequences, same spirit.

• Restore Relationship: After discipline, I always make sure to hug them and remind them I love them. I want them to know grace follows correction.

Reflection: Discipline that Forms Both Father and Child

What I’ve learned is this: discipline is more about me than them. It reveals whether I’m operating in the flesh or walking in the Spirit. My goal isn’t just obedient children, it’s gospel-formed hearts.

I’m not a perfect father. But I serve a perfect Father, and I’m learning to reflect Him more. Discipline is not a moment of domination, it’s a sacred opportunity to model repentance, grace, and godly authority.

Call to Action

So fellow dads, if you’ve messed this up, you’re not alone. But let’s commit together to disciplining with love, not anger. Not from our own strength, but from the grace that disciplines us first.

"Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." — Colossians 3:21 (NKJV)